Only we weren't. Our drinks nearly empty, I shook the ice in my glass and made the move. "Should we get the check and head somewhere else? Maybe my place?"
It was bold. My cheeks were flushed. But hey, why not shoot the shot?
It landed. My date waggled his eyebrows, pushed his seat back, and, in his best (or worst) Borat impression, said, "Wa wa wee wa!"
Record scratch.
Needless to say, no sex was had that night. My date had committed the unforgivable sin of being unfunny — or worse, trying and failing to be funny. There was no coming back. Corny jokes give me "the ick."
The concept of "the ick" is pretty firmly implanted into our lexicon these days thanks to reality TV, social media, and the "hot rabbi" from Nobody Wants This. But in case you need a refresher, the term refers to a sometimes trivial gesture, saying, or act that quickly kills a budding attraction. The ick is the opposite of a panty dropper — it locks the chastity belt, retracts the boner, dries out the, well, you know.
The Borat impersonation was a deal breaker for me because I value good banter over most other qualities. My date's faux pas was a harbinger of the cringe to come if I were to enter a relationship with that person. (For the record, I think Sacha Baron Cohen is a genius, but come on. That movie is 18 years old and Borat impersonations lost their charm when they were co-opted by frat boys around that same time.)
The joke might have killed with another woman (though probably not) because these turnoffs are highly subjective. One person's ick could easily be another's kink. I asked readers to share their icks, and many of their responses were qualities and quirks I find attractive: wearing hoodies to dinner, flip flops, and sandals with socks. (Most of these read like personal attacks on my boyfriend.)
Other readers mentioned turnoffs that I completely agreed with, like a man ordering dinner for a woman without asking her first or the niche Miami sin of mispronouncing the "Basel" in Art Basel (it's bah-zil, people). I felt fairly neutral about other icks, like granny panties or people who chew with their mouths open.
What does this all mean, though? What do our instant turnoffs say about us? I spoke with Dr. Justin Lehmiller, senior researcher at the Kinsey Institute and host of the Sex and Psychology Podcast, about how much power we should give our icks and the hotly debated question of whether we can (or should) move past them.
While it's a hot topic in pop culture at the moment, there hasn't yet been much research on the subject. Still, Dr. Lehmiller has thoughts on what happens when a "yum" becomes a "yuck."
"In the honeymoon stage, you have these intense feelings of passion and excitement," he says. "And we often have our blinders up to potential red flags and warning signs. It's often not until later on that we start to notice things that might be a potential cause for concern. So, in some cases, the ick might be some cracks in that façade we had in our partner. It might be the waning of the early passion where we start to notice things that are fundamental incompatibilities."
Though it might not feel like it, the ick can be a good thing. That biological response can protect us from potential harm, like a controlling partner who orders all your meals or a date who's rude to restaurant servers.
Sometimes, though, our turnoffs can be trivial: Hawaiian shirts, loud chewing, or, in the case of the Hot Rabbi, exclaiming "Prego!" in a bad Italian accent.
"In some cases," says Dr. Lehmiller, "it might be almost an excuse to get out of the relationship because you've realized on some level, whether consciously or unconsciously, that you're not compatible. So you're blaming or attributing that incompatibility on this very minor thing."
Other times, he concedes, we are simply grossed out.
"The ick can be something that disgusts you on some level. I think that's why they call it 'the ick.' For people who are particularly high in disgust sensitivity, it's just easier for them to get grossed out."
Icks, like all relationship challenges, are not created equal. So which ones can we overcome? Can a loud chewer score a second date with someone who suffers from misophonia?
"If it's a symptom of a broader incompatibility issue where maybe you just have very different values or beliefs or just want different things, it's going to be a lot harder to come [back] from that than from others," says Dr. Lehmiller. "If it's about something that just kind of grosses you out a little bit, it's possible that it might be a little easier to come back from because people might be able to modify their behavior."
There's hope for you yet, loud chewer.
If icks are preventing you from forming meaningful bonds with potential mates, it might be time to do a little inventory of what's turning you off and why it should or shouldn't matter.
Dr. Lehmiller shares some parting wisdom: "This is something that we've seen happen over the last few decades. The expectations for our relationships have become so impossibly high that it's hard to find somebody who could ever meet that bill. I think we need to recognize that in any relationship, your partner is going to do things that might gross you out or annoy you."
